you really know how to start

salaam

I had a groggy morning today. Much like Mawaddah here;

I'm calling the one coated with black, Warahmah. You know like how they say “Semoga menjadi keluarga yang sakinah, mawaddah, warahmah.” ? Upon translation their names would mean Mawaddah = Brimming with love and Warahmah = Fulfilled obligations. You would ask what is sakinah then. Honestly speaking, I'm not very bothered to check at the moment but my guess is it could mean either peaceful or harmonious. I would have called the third one exactly that.

Unfortunately, on the second day I came to visit, she fell to her death. What disgusts me most is, I just sat at my corner watching her explore the place and I still sat idly when she went too close to the ledge. I saw her trying to claw her way up and still I sat there frozen with ice in my veins overestimating what a kitten's claw could do. Even mama cat, which I'm calling Baby (don't argue w me on this. she's a babe, really), whom was sitting right across me witnessed its fall and my incapabilities.

It was Horrible. I went down the stairs to check and hope against hope that the kitten would atleast be okay. You know how they say cat always land on its' feet. This time they're wrong.

I found her at the 2nd level. The contents in my stomach was threatening to exit through my oesophagus. Tiny drops of blood on the rails, on the floor. Baby kitty was just heaving and heaving while resting on its side, blood in its mouth.

It was Friday and I made it a habit to don traditional clothes on Friday. If you could see me that day, I was probably the "vegetable" girl scuttling up the stairs with my skirt hiked up to my knees, sweating like an overworked maid, panting like a dog.

Helplessness was really the one that brought tears. I went to mum asking for her advice- half-panting, half-crying, felt like dying with the pressure on my chest. Rushed back down thinking if I could bring her to Baby because Mama cat would know what to do. Only thing is, baby kitty was already motionless. I felt like I've failed.

She was beautiful all white with no hint of black fur at all, unlike the other two. It nags at me that I did not do anyth for it. Mum told me not to go down anymore since its already gone. Part of me wanted to bury it myself but the other part of me wanted to forget it ever happen. The guilt, the helplessness, the sudden death...

 I feel like I've lost my best friend recently and a few days later when Fhaz led me to them I know Allah was trying to soothe my loss with their presence. And for that I am grateful. (thank you, Allah, alhamdulilah). And before I got too comfortable with them, I guess I'm being tested again with a loss.

Its coming to 2 weeks now since our lives overlapped. I don't know how much longer I could cuddle and enjoy their presence but for now we're just feeding Baby, so she could feed her babies, and visit them now and then. Oh how my heart aches when I see them. All those blue eyes...

=

I let them sleep on my lap this afternn. And later at night just now. It feels good to hold them. therapeutic, quite. I know, I know, they dont really need me. But their warmth tugs at me and their trust are just endearing. Goodbye would be tough..♥ I have hopes we won't be crossing that bridge any time soon. In fact, any and or all bridge of goodbye at all. I'm clingy like that.

♥